What's going on? Can they even do this? It's cold over here and this is the worst food I've ever had at Hogwarts! It's not as bad as that time that they made us hunt for our food and then I got sick because of that freak in Slytherin, but if we have to keep eating cold food, it's not going to be much better in the long term! I need my food or I'll be cranky like that day I yelled at Mandy. At least I get to sit next to Mei but I miss Lucy! That makes my butt hurt a little less from these seats. I swear I got a splinter through my pants!

SO I've been doing some thinking and tried to figure out a way to cheer everyone up since there's nothing else I can do. So I decided to write a rap.

Now presenting...

Whyte Delite
(that's my rapper name)

I love tea and it gives me glee.
Some good earl grey brings me to my knees.
Been wanting that shit since my elevenses.
Needing it badly like those ivy elephants.
So I roll in my wardrobe with the Pevensies,
and steal my bad ass some of their best teas.

Now it's almost two in the afternoon,
standing by the oven biting on a spoon,
waiting for my sodding water to boil
and the kettle to screech like a baby Goyle.

Time's up. Pour it in a cup.

The kettle goes off at half past two
and now my mind's gone to Kalamazoo
Gonna get tight on my T-E-A
doing it right 'til I'm M-I-A
with my girl sitting in her chair
with her luscious locks of dark hair.
We be having ourselves a tea party...
sharing the s-cubes with my shorty.

Next it's time for some milky milk.
My bird dives into it like an elk
into water on the channel.
She stores it like a camel...
with better humps.
She's got it better than those chumps.
She's lean, she's mean, she's a drinking machine.
She ain't at all obscene.
Cause she's a lady. (Yeah!)

Yeah, yeah, steepin' that tea, motherfuckers.

I am home finally, but I am so hungry. Mei and I are going to have to sneak out for food since my nanny (I am way too old for a sodding nanny...she is kind of fit though) is under strict orders not to give us any. Stupid Carrows. Stupid mother. Not fair.

But at least we're away from the school and those wankers...for a couple weeks at least. Besides, my mum has a pretty amazing collection of alcohol here. Maybe I will get Mei drunk. On Cognac. Isn't that supposed to be good? Maybe that's when I'll write my poem! It'll clearly be better if I write it when I'm pissed!

I'm so good at being an optimist!! Hope everyone made it home safely!


Added 30 minutes later.

My mum just confronted me about a letter she got from the Carrows saying that I'm undermining their educational goals by not doing my work in Muggle Studies. Ha! As if that's motivation to actually do any work. Except she's not happy about it and now I have to figure out how to explain what Muggle Studies and Dark Arts are. I think I will tell her that Muggle is another word for Astronomy or something - she'll never know the difference, she's dense - and that Dark Arts is just...an angsty art class or something with dark paintings of sad people and whatnot. Again, stupid Carrows.

Oh, Ginny...

His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.
                                                                    — Ginny Weasley circa 1992

My stomach hurts and I feel like complaining an awful lot right now, but I suppose that it won't make any difference so I'll refrain. We all played our best and fairly, which is more than some can say. Except that I should have blocked those Bludgers. It was my fault. I hope that not all the games this year will be this way. Imagine what the poor firsties who haven't seen Quidditch before must think. I hate to imagine what they think of this school at all.

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I don't think I'd believe any of it. MERLIN, I am one step closer to becoming a man by my own standards, which are probably a little wonky but that's fine by me!

OH MY GOD!

Lucy can verify this whole thing and while I'm sure a lot of you would've liked to be there, you weren't. I think even Smith would have had to succumb to the glory of the situation.

But since I learned my lesson last time, I'm not disclosing anymore details unless the persons involved bring it up publicly themselves. All I can really say is damn.

How long is this supposed to last? Because I kind of hope that it never ends because I much prefer this version of the Carrows than the scowling, grumpy, all-around unpleasant Carrows. They also have much funnier laughs than I would have expected. The female Carrow's is a lot more shrill than I would have imagined and the male Carrow's sounds a lot like he has the hiccups. I can't help but laugh whenever they start laughing because their laughter is ridiculous. I mean, really, anyone who could keep a straight face is as stuffy as Smith that asshole.

All in all, I think it's all been worth it. So, I couldn't walk for a few days. It just made me appreciate being able to walk more and now I want to walk everywhere all the time. But I'll probably go back to wanting to sit around all the time. So now I do things like take walks with Mei and exercise instead of just going outside to practice for Quidditch or sneak fags with Lucy.

That said, I've realized that I'm really out of shape. Who knew that a 20 minute walk could make one so winded? I'm going to compile a routine for myself to do every day so that I can be fit by the holidays.


Andrew's Exercises

- 75 crunches per day for the first week (increase by 50 each subsequent week)
- 23 squats twice per day
- 15 push-ups per day for the first week (increase by 1 each subsequent day)
- jog as long as I can every other day
- 10 chin-ups per day until my arms don't hurt anymore
- 3 reps of 15 bicep curls twice every other day (increase weight by 5 pounds every week)
- 30 jumping jacks or until I can't breathe anymore


Pretty soon, you won't be able to tell me and Arnold Schwarzenegger apart. Except for the accent. And I'm not an American, but that's beside the point.

I am so hungry. At first, I thought maybe this could be fun - inconvenient, but fun - like a scavenger hunt or something. Those can be fun sometimes when the reward is candy or presents or peanut butter money or something like that. But after I looked all over and only found half-eaten stale bread and vegetables that looked like they'd spent too much time in the sun and had turned into werewolves or something, I decided that scavenger hunts are not so much fun when I'm hungry and searching for my dinner! How am I supposed to eat that, anyway? I guess I could eat around the part of the bread that looks like some one took a bite. But I'd still be hungry! And I can't sleep or study or mas on an empty stomach!

Merlin, this is so unfair. I don't like them one bit.

List of things to do before I graduate

- streak the halls
- see a girl naked, any girl
- attend class pissed
- lose my virginity
- send fake Valentine's Day love confessions
- get spanked
- snog Shae
- learn how to bake peanut butter cookies
- sit naked by the fire in the Common Room
- get Mandy to not hate me
- learn how to play chess
- sing in front of a large group of people
- charm the pants off a professor (literally)
- snog Morag
- write a love poem
- win the Quidditch House Cup
- Tracey
- mud wrestling (yes!)
- give or receive a lap dance or strip tease
- wear only boxers to class
- give up peanut butter for Lent
- get a hickey...from Perpetua
- pull some one's pants down in public
- whore self out to get Mei to bake me another cake
- get shagged at least once after having lost my virginity
- eat peanut butter until I throw up
- get Hermione Cornelia pissed
- wear a girls' uniform to class
- start a food fight
- create a religion
- snog as many girls as possible
- fly by the Gryffindor girls' dorms in just boxer shorts
- touch a Slytherin girl's breast (Dorrie?)
- give some one a love potion
- shag Parvati Lavender Jane Ginny Hannah
- get at least one O on my NEWTs

(Read Comments)

MEI!
You are the loveliest, kindest, most thoughtful, wonderful girl.

The cake is delicious. You are lovely. THANK YOU!

Everyone should be as sweet as Mei.

(Read Comments)

THEY TOOK ALL MY PEANUT BUTTER!!!

I want to cry. I don't know why it's such a big deal! It's only peanut butter. Peanut butter isn't dangerous! But this was good peanut butter, too! Deluxe! This is NOT FAIR!!

Did anyone get any peanut butter? If so, could I maybe...have a spoonful? I'll do anything...especially in a week from now when the rest of my stash is gone.

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